


Fate Worse Than Death

by firecrackerroot



Category: Lovecraft Country (TV)
Genre: F/F, bear with me, follows canon and starts right after the s01 finale, i can save this ship okay, just trust me, so season 02 if you will
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:42:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27596348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firecrackerroot/pseuds/firecrackerroot
Summary: "Keep me alive in all that you do because that’s the only way for me to be immortal as of right now.Be free, Ruby Baptiste. Be uninterrupted. Do whatever the fuck you please. Forever."
Relationships: Ruby Baptiste/Christina Braithwhite
Comments: 28
Kudos: 86





	1. Eternally, Your First

It was precisely a quarter after ten when Ruby Baptiste’s eyes began opening the same way they would had she been born again. Not a minute before, not a second after. Precisely at a quarter after ten. Ruby’s body felt tense but there was a sense of relaxation all around. Almost as if she’d crashed in a bed that wasn’t fit for the exhausting she carried. Yet she felt rested, and that’s what mattered most. However, as her bearings found their way back to the forefront of her sleepy mind, panic jolted through her every vein.

“Christina!” Ruby whispered before clenching her jaw upon realizing that she was, just like the body of William and Dell alike, in the basement. How she had gotten there was a question Ruby’s mind didn’t seem equipped to answer as the last thing she could remember were Christina’s blue eyes piercing through her by the bathroom door.

Unplugging herself from the machine she had learned how to manage, Ruby stumbled through the cold floor to climb up the stairs. Above, only the lights of the street kept the house alive and Ruby wondered, for a glimpse of a moment, why there were no signs of life inside. Christina must’ve used her to make a new potion, one Ruby had decided to give Leti at the very last minute, and there was no way of knowing if it had worked or not. If Christina would waltz inside the house draped in immortality or if, with a miracle Ruby didn’t know how to conjure if her own life depended on it, Tic and her family had been victorious instead. All that was left for Ruby to do was wait.

And wait she did.

Keeping herself occupied, Ruby settled on a black dress after trying almost everything inside her closet. Nothing seemed to fit, not even Hillary. A black dress, while elegant in every occasion, is always the right choice for a funeral. And, somehow, Ruby felt she was mourning. A part of herself, a part of her family, a part of Christina. Something would be gone forever after whatever was happening in Ardham and Ruby knew she had to be dressed the proper way. For whatever it was.

And the clock kept ticking.

It was around midnight when Ruby decided that perhaps she should eat but there was nothing in the kitchen that could satisfy her appetite. In fact, everything her eyes laid upon made her feel nauseous. Ruby laughed, all to her lonely self, at the thought that perhaps she was with child. Impossible, she knew, but for a moment that absurdity removed the anxiety that had a hold on her throat. Attempting to drown it with a glass of water, Ruby felt the knot get tighter, which she figured was a way to ask for something stiffer. Whiskey.

  
  


And Ruby kept waiting.

But any hope she had of a happy outcome, one where there was the last amount of suffering for every part involved in the chaos, was dissipating. If Christina’s spell had been successful, she would’ve already set her way home. And if it hadn’t been, well, she’d only find out what happened to her family the next morning. There was nothing else for Ruby to do inside the mansion except to sleep. But her bed seemed too cold, merely by looking at it, and their transformation room was far too special to be defiled by hopeless desperation. Even though there were plenty of other rooms, the discarding of options brought Ruby to the door she had never dared cross. Christina’s bedroom.

And it wasn’t for lack of invite.

If there was anything Christina had always been with Ruby was open. About magic, about her plans, about her home. Time and time again, Christina had made a point to reassure Ruby that the mansion was just as her house as it was Ruby’s and therefore she could enter wherever she pleased. Her bedroom included. However, it had never been the right time. Or moment. Until Ruby’s hand was wrapped around the handle, inhaling deeply as she closed her eyes and braced herself for whatever she’d find on the other side.

And Ruby entered.

One foot after the other, her eyes focused on the floor until she was fully inside the room. Only then did she look up to find books. Books everywhere. On the walls, on the desk, by the bed. Every surface was covered with books and if that wasn’t the most Christina esque type of room, Ruby didn’t know her at all. But perhaps she didn’t because, as she scanned the room, her sight landed on a letter with her name across the envelope, carefully placed between the velvety pillows over the silver sheets.

And something didn’t feel right.

Which is what Ruby told herself to justify the way her often steady hands were trembling. If Christina had left a letter behind, it was because she had planned for it. One of the infinite possibilities that everything could go wrong, just as she had said. This was it. The confirmation Ruby was waiting for. The telegram about war that arrived before the war was over. It was there, it had always been there. Waiting to be found. Waiting for Ruby’s teardrop to fall over it and release the butterflies Christina had trapped inside. The same kind from her first transformation. Except this time, they didn’t fly out of the window, seeking the sun. They flew above Ruby’s head before turning into dust, crashing down in the pristine carpet.

And Ruby did too.

Her knees were far too weak to bear the weight of the letter she was refusing to open. But it had to be done. The more time she held back, the longer her pain would consume her without reason. When the last butterfly landed on her shoulder, still intact, Ruby nodded and opened the small envelope. A sob found its way to the knot in her throat and untied it but didn’t leave. Stayed in its place instead, waiting for the rest of it.

  
  


_ Dearest Ruby, _

_ If you’re reading this it's because I have not arrived home yet. Nor will I ever again to apologize for what I did to you before leaving. But everything was at stake. A lifetime and an eternity of them. Yet my sacrifice wasn’t enough. My calculations weren’t precise. Your family outsmarted me. There is no way for me to exactly predict what prevented me from returning home, returning to you, but the fact of the matter is that I didn’t. Nor will I ever again. I hope you find some solace knowing that I kept all of my promises and, as much as I certainly know they’ll make it almost impossible to do so, I didn’t hurt your sister. Or your nephew. Everyone will return home except for me. _

_ You’ve told me, time and time again, that all you wanted was for me to care. To feel. And I did. Every waking moment I shared with you. I would’ve given you forever if I could’ve grasped it for myself first. In fact, I promised it to you the first time we met, remember? Well, I now realize how foolish I’ve been because I broke the promise that bound us together. I’m sorry, Ruby Baptiste, I couldn’t change your life forever. But I hope what I’ve left you will. _

_ The house is in your name and you can find all papers to prove so in the office room. My family’s fortune is bound to your name as well, to be used for whatever you’d like, however you please. And the magic I was able to share with you will help you understand all that I will never be able to teach. Yet another broken promise. I’m sorry. _

_ All that is mine belongs to you now. Including the Mark of Cain in your chest. Keep me alive in all that you do because that’s the only way for me to be immortal as of right now. _

_ Be free, Ruby Baptiste. Be uninterrupted. Do whatever the fuck you please. Forever. _

_ Eternally, your first _

_ CB _


	2. The Grieving Sisters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thankful for all the feedback and kudos everyone left on that small, tiny taste of what this story might be. I will get to every comment and try to post as steady as possible. It'll be a long journey but we'll get to the promised land. Stick around. S.

Many times did Ruby tell Christina, and most people that crossed paths with her, that she was tired. Exhausted, even. From a variety of situations with just as many reasons to be. But never had she truly been as exhausted as she was for two days after reading the letter. Barely able to leave Christina's bed, Ruby would drag herself across the house to fulfil her basic human needs and nothing more. In fact, the thought of even leaving the house and facing the outside world again felt suffocating, to say the least.

Yet on the third morning of her comatose, the doorbell rang. For one she was thankful that Christina's bedroom didn't have any windows for she didn't wish to be seen inside. But as the doorbell rang twice more, it dawned upon her who the persistent outsider might be. Only one other person knew where the mansion was and was brave enough to venture an all white neighbourhood just to get inside: Letitia fucking Lewis.

Covering herself with a robe and fixing the chaos in her hair as best as she could, to at least seem presentable, Ruby climbed down the stairs. As she was nearing the door, she heard Hippolyta say that of course no one would open the door. 

"Ruby's dead. We have to find a way in." 

"Dead?" Ruby asked as she cranked the door open and was confronted with the shock slash horror in the two women's faces. 

"Christina said yo-" Was all Leti mustered the courage to say before jumping into Ruby's arms. For all she wished to cry, Ruby couldn't seem to bring herself to. Her exhaustion had sucked her dry. On the contrary, Leti's violent sobbing reverberated against her body.

"Slumber, yes,” Embracing her sister while rubbing her back up and down, Ruby saw the almost apologetic smile on Hippolyta’s face. “But not the eternal kind.”

A heavy cloud of sorrow and silence surrounded the three women far beyond the end of the sisters embrace. It followed as they entered the mansion, through the halls and into the kitchen. For as long as the water for tea took to boil, it stayed. Until the fog helped it evaporate and words were exchanged instead. Leti seeked answers as to how Ruby was alive and the truth of the matter was that Christina hadn’t left enough clues behind to solve that riddle. At the other side of the table, Ruby felt she deserved explanations not only for what happened in Ardham but for the silence in the days that followed.

“Would you look at us now,” A dry chuckle made its way out of Ruby’s throat, scratching its way out. “The grieving sisters.”

“How can you find humour in this, Ruby?” While it came masked as a question, Ruby felt the anger in Leti’s tone. She had lost the father of her unborn child after all. How could that compare to losing Christina.

“”There are fates far worse than death.”

“What are you saying?” Leti’s fury climbed another step on the ladder that the soothing tea was failing to drown.

“I believe your sister is saying that the fact you’re alive, in the circumstances everything happened, is perhaps worse than having died that night.” Hippolyta attempted to explain and Ruby nodded, simply. There truly wasn’t much to it other than that. “I would know.” Both women turned their attention to Hippolyta instead, their brows pursed the exact same way in a manner only sisters would do. “When George passed, and I had no information as to how it had happened or even why other than the poor lie Tic and Leti crafted, I felt worse than I would if I had died alongside him. The unknown, the uncertainty, everything feels worse than simply being gone.”

“But Tic isn’t just gone. He died for us.” Turning to her sister, Leti created a triangle between the three women before laying her hand over her abdomen, where a new life was still in its early stages. “All of us. And not because it was an easy choice but because there was no other choice. He sacrificed himself for us. How isn’t that worse than being alive?”

“One day you’ll understand.” Hippolyta gently placed her hand over Leti’s shoulder and Ruby, certain of her words, sighed. “And we’ll be here for you.”

“Of course,” Ruby agreed, a glimpse of a smile drawing itself in the corners of her mouth despite the heaviness in her heart wanting to pull them down.

“That’s actually,” Exhaling deeply, Leti shook her head in an attempt to refocus because, as Hippolyta has been helping her for the past few days, she had to move on. A world to birth, as she’d say. “The reason we’re here. Dee and Hippolyta are moving in with me.”

“Oh,” The surprise on Ruby’s voice didn’t particularly match her own feelings because, knowing Tic hadn’t survived Ardham either, there was no way Leti could be left alone in that house. Especially considering everything that had happened inside. “Those are wonderful news!”

“Neither of us would care to sleep alone in our own houses knowing the other might be in danger.” Hippolyta continued to justify the decision although it already made perfect sense for Ruby. “Besides, Dee doesn’t feel particularly comfortable being home anymore.”

“After everything she’s been through, I can only imagine how daunting that might be.” Ruby agreed, extending Hippolyta the same kind of apologetic smile the older woman offered her by the front door. “When are you moving in?”

“Sometime later this week.” Nodding, Leti looked at Hippolyta who signalled her to focus on Ruby instead. “But we wanted to know if you’d like to move in with us.”

“That’s a kind offer but I’m afraid I’ll have to decline.”

“But why? Where are you going to live?”

“Right here.” Looking around the kitchen, Ruby saw the butterfly that didn’t seem to go away flapping its wings by the window and smiled. “Home.”

“In a white neighbourhood?” While it seemed to have settled down, Leti’s nerves began boiling again. Faster than water did for their tea that Ruby was taking notes never to serve again because it seemed to have the opposite effect of its desired function.

“How can you feel safe?” This time, it was Hippolyta’s turn to ask the big prize question. And to tell them the truth, give them the honest answer, was something Ruby was yet to be prepared for but she could go around with half of it.

“Christina left me the house, as a parting gift, if you will.”

“And you’re going to fall for that?” Leti rose from her chair, slamming her palms against the table. “That white bitch is the reason my son will be born without a father! She’s the reason  _ I  _ almost died in Ardham, again! She’s th-”

“The reason why I’m still alive.”

The same silence from before covered the three women once more. Unlike before, where it seek to bind them in their mutual grief, it seemed to break them apart. Both with fair, justified even, reasons to stand their opposing grounds. Just like their cups of tea. One saw them as half full while the other saw them as half empty. Neither of them are wrong but neither of them are correct as long as both disagree. At the end of the day, the reason both their cups were filled with any liquid was Christina.

“Look,” Rising from her chair to match Leti’s stance, Ruby looked her sister in the eyes and hoped to reach her heart with her words. Or, at the very least, a place where Leti could hold onto logic despite being tainted by grief in every part of her body. “Neither of us will ever get back what we wanted because that’s been lost forever. But I can help you get what you need, all you have to do is ask.”

“You can be sure as hell I’ll never ask to move in with you, Ruby. My son will not be born in a rich white neighbourhood and-”

“And a poor white neighbourhood is different how?”

“Ruby is right,” Hippolyta sipped on her own cup of tea, no longer hot but still warm enough to keep her hands from growing cold. “The only difference between your neighbourhoods is money.”

“And that I have. More than enough to make sure that you, and your son, will never need to ask anyone else for help.”

“What?” The anger that was once present in Leti’s voice was replaced by raw and unadulterated shock. “Christina left you her money too?”

“Yes. To do whatever I please. And it pleases me to help you, Leti. If you let me.”

“So what? So you can tell me how to use my money later? Or accuse me of what I choose to do with it? No, thank you.” Tapping Hippolyta’s shoulder, Leti walked out of the kitchen and headed to the front door.

“She will come around.” Hippolyta smiled and Ruby knew that was a lie. If there was someone that was headstrong and too prideful for her own good, was Leti. Ruby would like to be hopeful, just as she had been before, that Leti could change her mind but, to protect her own heart, she’d rather believe Leti was on her way out of the door with no intentions of turning back.

“Enjoy your blood money, grieving sister,” Leti yelled from the door before continuing in the path that led to the gates. “And don’t you dare accuse me of not wanting any of it. I'd rather starve!”

“If there’s anything you need, all… four… of you, please-”

“Rest assured,” Hippolyta held Ruby’s hands and gave them a gentle squeeze before stepping out of the mansion. “I’ll take care of them.”

It wasn’t the answer Ruby wanted but perhaps it was the one she needed to hear. Even though it was Christina’s money that bought the house, Leti made it a home. Warm and welcoming enough to forget the horrors of the basement or the tunnels in the elevator or the inheritance from the wrong woman all together. For all intents and purposes, that house belonged to Leti. Just like the mansion now belonged to Ruby.

All because of Christina. As if she had been the red string that tied their loose pieces of fabric all together. While to some it may feel like they were surrounded by holes of pain, which is why Ruby can understand her sister’s reasoning, the pieces of fabric that got sewed in the middle can see everything around them. The sharp edges and the tapestry. It’s beautiful, it truly is. If only all parts could see the whole the same way.

But they can’t. Not even Ruby, if was being honest with herself. There were moments, however fleeting, where she pondered the extent of Christina’s actions. The few that bordered the line between kindness and manipulation. In fact, Ruby wondered if leaving everything to her was something other than what she wanted to believe it to be. But then she’d remember the way Christina had always looked at her, even when she’d rather ignore. 

And in those moments, the fleeting ones, the butterfly that refused to leave would hop comfortably across the knuckles of Ruby’s hand. Flapping its tiny wings, blissfully unaware that it was magic keeping her alive while every other had already turned to dust. It seemed, after all, that that butterfly was another one of Ruby’s grieving sisters. Having to live a fate worse than death.


	3. Transmogrification Central

After around a week and some change, groceries ran dry in the mansion. Too broken to leave the house as herself, Ruby ventured to the basement. On the right, she had the safety of being Hillary. A white woman whom, from experiencing it first hand, Ruby knew everything would be handed to her. But she couldn't lie and say she wasn't a little bit preoccupied with walking around in that skin after what she'd done.

However, on her left... A whole new world; William. Never, not even in her wildest dreams, did Ruby consider becoming a man. Let alone a white one, the kind she did everything she could to steer clear from. But at the same time, everyone in the neighbourhood knew the house belonged to William. And if Ruby was to keep the house alive, William had to be so as well.

With a deep exhale, Ruby opened the cabinet and picked one of the few potions left in stock. Although Christina had planned enough ahead to leave a letter behind in case everything went wrong, she obviously didn't plan for things to go right. After all, why would she leave more potions in stock if she'd have an eternity to make them?

Thinking about Christina, or rather, William, made Ruby chuckle, as the flasc touched her lips. Not because she necessarily missed being in his arms but because she wondered what Christina would say if she knew. The woman that wanted to be free, as a woman, was about to venture the streets under the skin of a white man. A cardinal sin for her community, Ruby felt, but a necessity for her survival.

It didn't take long for the chuckle to turn into uncontrollable laughter. All that was needed for that shift was for Ruby to look in a mirror and see William instead. In all of his glory. From head to toe. Mark of Cain in his chest included. Just the way she'd met him. And that brought a strange sense of security to her. Stranger than suddenly having something…  _ else _ .

While the body was the same, the person behind the wheel was different and before she left the house, Ruby did the best she could to replicate the William she knew. Sure, people change and sometimes that happens overnight but it'd be dangerous to become someone else completely. In the office room, Ruby had found every letter she needed to understand their financial situation, as well as anything else Christina was involved, which meant it was truly a matter of personality. 

Luckily, Ruby had always been very observant and a rather fast learner. When she was greeted by neighbours on the street that didn't strange the new William, she was certain her character work was near flawless. However when she was selecting the items for the pantry, she got some side looks by certain women she'd never seen before. Perhaps they were merely surprised a man was shopping or they knew those were items they didn't use in their own kitchens.

Nevertheless, this cycle began repeating itself every now and then until those women would smile at William too. Days turned into weeks and weeks into months. In fact, the only way Ruby would be able to accurately measure time was by seeing Leti's baby bump grow. From afar, of course, because Leti didn't want them to cross paths. Respecting her sister's wishes, Ruby still made sure her every need was met through Hippolyta. Just as she'd promised.

But one lonely night, downstairs in what she had baptized as the transmogrification central, Ruby decided that she'd like to go out as herself. For one night, head on out to the South and sing her sorrows away. Just as she'd always done and hopefully it would bring some joy back in her life. As much as she was content in what Christina's privilege gave her, Ruby still craved to be herself. And that had always been Christina's wish, after all. For Ruby to truly be herself. Uninterrupted. 

After spending so long without seeing her, the bar owners celebrated Ruby's return by giving her the stage for the entire night. Every other artist had been asked to return the following night because it'd be a Ruby kind of evening. And boy, did she sing. Every lyric that had been memorised, every melody that had been hummed, everything inside her. That night, Ruby sang it all away.

And the joy of the room wrapped itself around Ruby like a comforting blanket. Not hot enough to burn, or light enough to be cold. Just right. Comforting and heartwarming. All that she needed to feel whole again. But whenever she opened her eyes and, by chance, her sight landed on the counter, a breeze would threaten to blow the blanket away. It had been there, many moons ago, that Christina had promised to change her life forever.

In a way, she did. Actually, in many ways. More than Ruby could understand, certainly. A collateral of that change, however, was the pain that came with. Not the physical from being reborn after every transformation but the emotional. The weighing down that Ruby had inside and it felt as if she'd drown in a matter of seconds should she ever set foot on deep waters. It felt so heavy and Ruby was growing progressively more tired of it all while trying to find a way to make it stop.

They had always said that every answer you'd need, you'd find in a book, but not for Ruby's predicament. There was nothing in the almost infinite library in the mansion that could help Ruby heal. Make it less heavy. And if there was, well, Ruby was afraid she'd lose all hope before being able to find it. So she sang some more songs that night. And when the guitar began crying, she took a shot out of the strongest drink in the bar and changed keys. Adjusted the tune. All to keep herself afloat.

By the end of it all, when only the too drunk to leave by themselves were passed out in their tables, Ruby sat by the counter. Out of everything she could have, Ruby asked for the same drink Christina had offered her on the night that changed it all. If Ruby was granted a wish, she’d waste it on having Christina back. At least for one night, that’d be more than enough. But all she had was her lonely self and a half empty cup.

Even though the bartender offered to accompany her home, Ruby would rather do that on her own. And it didn’t take long for her hyper-awareness to kick in because, since the moment she left the bar, Ruby felt someone was following her. Thoughts of going to Leti’s house instead were ringing in her ears like whistles but she ignored them. There is no way, in this world or any other, where Ruby would purposely place Leti in danger, even if it was to keep herself safe.

Two streets away from home, Ruby forced herself to make a choice between continuing her path or face danger instead. Had she been in control of her full logical capacities, she would’ve walked home but not that night. Not after singing herself dry and filling herself again with the strongest liquors in town instead.

“If you’re going to murder me,” Ruby started, guns blazing as some would say, as the man stood underneath a street lamp. “Just get it over with.”

The man chuckled and it would’ve enraged Ruby but it barely phased her instead. “You’re just like her.”

“Who?”

“My Ruby.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The man is played by Alexander Skarsgård and yes, he's exactly who you think he is.


End file.
